The skills to create a good 5 part paragraph with quotes for concrete details is that the quotes need to be embedded. But with the quotes the paragraph needs to flow right through and the reader must feel comfortable reading it smoothly. One consistently mentioned problem is that the author needs to fix the embedding, and that the topic sentence doesn't really set out to prove what the author talked about throughout the paragraph. Most people didn't have the right wording within their topic sentence, a couple words could have been changed to exemplify their point.
My paragraph wasn't very good, I would need to change my topic sentence to enhance my concrete details. Also the last concrete detail I listed wasn't part of the point, because I wrote in my topic sentence about the social hierarchy but the last concrete detail was only about one person. The rest of the concrete details actually could have been applied to more than one person, like a farming group, it can be applied to all the farmers but not one person. My word choice didn't really enhance that point, the choice in the last detail didn't help the commentary either, I just kept going on with how that one person was getting rejected. I could have changed that detail to a group of people.
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